Yesterday I finally talked to my mother after months of no communication. She caught a flu. But even in her weak voice, I detected a hint of amusement (in addition to her excitement when she heard that I will be in Singapore during Spring quarter), when she said to me, “By the way, there is something you might find interesting….”
So the story is, my Dad was going through my Grandma’s remaining possessions (she passed away more than 10 years ago) and found 2 pieces of paper. It turned out that when I was 7 year old and my brother 8 year old, she took our birth time and orientation (“si sung bak zi”) to those prognosticator so that they could foretell our lives. The result is a long written document fortelling my and my brother’s life from age 7 and 8. The prediction was written for every 5-year block of our life.
My mom didn’t tell me what is written. She said we will share it only when I went back to Hong Kong.
What I found most interesting is what this says about Grandma. Why didn’t she ever tell us she did this? She didn’t even tell my father or mother! She just hid those papers. And now, only after so many years after her decease and the date when this paper is written ( 21 years later ) was it found.
I miss her. In my mind, I can see my sneaky Grandma (she was cute, street smart, and sneaky) secretly taking our birth times and orientation to consult the old sage, and then hiding it.
I miss her.
Filed under: Musings
This past summer, I invested in friendships and relationships rather than work. And now I think it is totally worth it. Today as I was driving back to Lakeview, I thought, indeed it is relationship with people that make you whole.
A recently conflict with my upstairs neighbor revealed all the fruits of these relationships I built during the summer. I no longer feel alone. There are all these friends around me who care about me and give me wise advise for problems. It feels good to be surrounded by friends.
So, thank you, tango pals, and thank you, D.
(And of course, thank you L, who has always been helping me all these years (but was out of the loop on my crazy tenant incidence since he is not on facebook)
(And perhaps having a healthy private life also positively spills over to work, as my advisor seems to like the new direction of research that I have taken this summer.)
Tonight I had the most sumptious dinner at a restaurant named Graham Elliott (which claims to be Chicago’s first “bistronomic” restaurant). Reading the menu and listening to the description of the serve already took me to heaven. I have to say, this is the first time I felt the food screaming at me, telling me, “EAT ME! LOVE ME! APPRECIATE ME! See that I am special!” The moment I looked at the menu, I was confused — confused by the exotic and innovative combination of ingredients. We tried 5 courses:
1. a duck fraqua lollipop amuse bouche — the border of this lollipop is glued with those orange candy pieces that burst like fireworks in your mouth; As those candies were bursting in my mouth, the stuff that the lollipop was made of which is a mousse of duck fraqua melted and sept into every corner of my teeth! Crazy crazy crazy!
2. Tuna Sashimi — you think that this is just tuna sashimi in any Japanese restaurant? So wrong. This was my favorite dish. On top of the tuna sashimi is a passion fruit sorbet. Under the sashimi are slices of melon. Other things on this dish is fried crunchie stuff (I have no idea what it is) and chives and avocado cream. All I can say is — MAGIC. The best way to describe this is that all these different flavors work like instruments in an orchestra and together they played a magnificent symphony in my mouth.
3. Sea Scallops — I vaguely this dish is cooked with butter sauce and the menu mentioned something about caramel. Anyway, my mind was still with the Tuna Sashimi dish when I had this dish.
4. Salmon — this salmon was cooked to rare. I have to say I never had salmon so delicious — the taste is a combination of salmon sashimi and cooked salmon. Salmon sashimi is always my favorite, and combined with cooked salmon, it was great. The side is 4 different kind of carrots, and the bottom part of artichoke hearts.
5. Waygu Steak — this steak was cooked to rare. Under it is a layer of cold potato cream salad. The waiter mentioned a lot of other ingredients but at this time my mind and tongue have lost its senses due to the wonder of the previous dishes.
6. Dessert — a polenta with macerated blueberry/lemon sorbet. My stomach was trying to digest all the spices from the previous dishes.
7. an Egyptian chamomile tea (a pot which has all these gigantic sperm like leaves floating on top, served with those old fashion sand timer…waitress said I have to wait until the sand has completely dropped to the bottom for the tea to be served).
I never was a foodie — but this meal, was ART.
I just have to write a post about Guerilla Tango. The past Sunday I joined my first Guerilla Tango in Chicago. What this means is that a bunch of Tango-ers congregated to dance in a public place. We started at a garden in the Art Institute and then moved to the Crown Fountain in Millennium Park.
Suffice to say, it was so much fun. At the Crown Fountain in Millennium Park, we removed our shoes and danced bare-footed at the water fountain. A lot of kids were running around. But yes, there we were, oblivious to the crowd looking on or the circus of kids around us, just doing Argentine Tango, to our own music. Alas a park ranger did apprehend us and was on the verge of dispensing us, but our leader was able to convinced her that we are a harmless crowd. The park ranger accused us of “drawing a crowd.” The very funny thing was, at the end of the negotiation, the park ranger was invited to dance with us, in fact, she was a cha cha and swing dancer as well and would love to join the U of Chicago dance classes!
Anyway, here is a picture of last year’s Guerilla Tango at the same place. It was the same place and same scene and pretty much the same bunch of people.
P.S. someone tangoed me into the waterfall. I was drenched.
In the past few weeks, I had experienced several moments of happiness of which I was keenly aware of and of which I would reminisced on, as I did last summer when I sailed or windsurfed. However, the moments of happiness this summer are completely different from last year. Last summer, those moments were related to the thrill of an activity. This summer, those moments which I savored are related to interaction with people. To my surprise, this summer my moments of happiness were with interacting with the little people….children.
1. On a Sunday night last week, I attended an Argentine Tango milonga in an abandoned commercial shop in Hyde Park. Most other attendants are affiliated with University of Chicago in one way or another. One couple brought their children: age 2 and 4. I found myself continuously winking at the 4 year old kid and playing slapping hands with him. In time he grew a bit attached to me. And when the milonga started, all the adults (including me) were seriously dancing around the space, while these two little kids circled around the legs of the adults and at some point, even mimicked the tango dance of the adults. So in the end, I found myself tango-ing with the 4 year old kid, following the counter clockwise flow of the seriously dancing adults. Dancing with such a short partner was indeed problematic. I almost had to lift him up! It was a joyful experience.
2. My friends, B and C, had a little girl earlier this year. This summer when I went to visit, I found little V very interesting. She is now 6 months old. She smiles at me whenever she sees me. I played “jump” with her: I would lift her up in the air and make those “woooooo” sounds, and somehow she would anticipate my lifting and would crook her leg in expectation or in encouragement for me to repeat the movements again. But I love to see her smile! (she smiles a lot, and she clearly smiles because she is seeing a face she likes)
3. Today in sailing, my classmate brought her 11 year old sister along. This reminds me of my little brother when he was at that age, clinging along to me as I meet my friends. Apparently I enjoy talking to little kids, spoiling them, and teaching them new experiences.
As Michael Jackson once sang, we are the world….we are the children…children bring so much joy.
Every Wednesday and Saturday during the Chicago Summer, Navy Pier has fireworks at 9pm. Today, I happened to be driving on lakeshore as this happened. My windows were down, and I was enjoying the night breeze.
Although I was very tired (after non stop tutoring in the afternoon and tango dancing since 7pm), I thought that this is the first time I felt like I am falling in love with Chicago.
In my 4 years in Chicago, I have not felt as relaxed and soft as I am now. Although the reasons for stress still exist, I felt relaxed. Friends have been remarking how changed I am this summer. I felt the difference myself. I have not felt more myself or more pleasant for a long, long time.
After 4 years, I am only starting to enjoy Chicago now.
When my mind reemerges from the clouds, a string of phrases, images, and sound rapidly come to my head:
1. As my student enthusiastically said “Hi!” to me, and then a seagull flew above me. I thought: “It is the seagull that flew above my head, not a crow.”
2. I remember as I was in the sidelines of the football field, standing with the Marching Band in my high school, and cheering “GO! FIGHT! WIN!” as the football players began the game.
3. I remember that we are all here to work toward the same thing.
4. I like the Regenstein — the library fiercely hated by many of my classmates due to memories of the stressful nights from our 1st years — because in it, I am constantly reminded that I should work hard like the other University of Chicago students.
Filed under: Musings
I like this commentary about time (from Daisy Wong’s blog):
Jane Austen寫下的Pride and Prejudice、Sense and Sensibility，在文壇屹立了整整二百年，如無意外還會永恒地屹立下去。這一切的成就，Jane Austen都在四十二年的人生裏完成；莫扎特只活了三十五年，就創造出千秋萬世的音樂；耶穌三十歲開始傳道，三十三歲被釘十字架。三年，要做的話，三年就夠。說到底，世上又有多少個畢加索？九十一年的人生，大部分時間身體健康，跟很多女人生下很多孩子，有心有力。畢加索的長壽，讓他創作了大量作品，向世人展現了不同時期的風格。據說，他死的時候正在和朋友們嘻嘻哈哈吃晚飯，告別塵世前留下一句：「Drink to me, drink to my health, you know I can’t drink any more.」相比許多英年早逝的天才，狄娜六十五年的壽命也不算短了。有人說，假如她能多活幾年，一定能做得更多。我相信，世上沒有人不想擁有健康的身體，但要是你把時間拉長一點來看，在宇宙長河裏，六十年與一百年的壽命，還不是同樣一閃即逝？以叔本華的話來說，就是：「我們的生存，不過是在兩個永恆之間所佔據的無限短的一瞬。」而人們依然讓許多極其無聊的蠢事，去佔據這「無限短的一瞬」。真要命。（撰文：王迪詩／逢星期六刊於《信報》 http://world-of-daisy.blogspot.com/）
A couple days ago, I had a very interesting conversation with Maple; a conversation during which both of us were laughing so hard that at least I almost rolled down to the floor. What were we talking about? We were comparing our own version of a fairy tale, whose hero is ourselves. As all fairy tales do, our stories contain a moral. The moral is the proper attitude to have to walk the journey of life most fruitfully.
My story approximately goes like this:
Once upon a time, there lives a girl by the name of 王詠怡, who lives 1000 miles from the capital of the country. She read about a girl named Cinderella and wished that she could marry a prince as well. One day, the prince who lives in the capital (1000 miles from 王詠怡) issues an invitation to all eligible single girls in the kingdom to the Royal Ball. Now, 王詠怡 is not that hot. But we know that there are no ugly girls in this world, only lazy ones. But 王詠怡 doesn’t have $$$ to fancy up herself either. So her parents told her, “王詠怡, you have an uncle and aunt who live in the capital, you can go to the capital to find them; perhaps they can help you.”
Now, know that the capital is 1000 miles from where 王詠怡 lives. In this fairytale, there’s no high-speed railroad and the only viable transportation option is by foot. Walking 1000 miles to the capital would take a long time. 王詠怡 reasons that although one can never be sure what the future holds, if you don’t even take the first step, you will know for sure what future holds— nothing. So she took her first step on this 1000 miles journey.
王詠怡 continues to walk on this road, toward the general direction of the castle. She has been walking for days, and her shoes are beginning to wear out. Her feet are swollen and red. In this particular fairytale, water supply is also rare, so 王詠怡 has not been taken a bath for days and smells quite bad.
One day on the road, she sees a badly beaten up guy being left for dead on the side of the road. He was dressed in rags, and was so badly beaten — on the face especially — that he looks like a pig. He can barely see people as his face was so badly beaten. 王詠怡, being the kind girl that she is, helped this badly beaten guy bandage his wounds. Meanwhile, other passerby who are also heading to the Royal Ball ignore this guy for fear of being sullied by his dirt.
As this is an ADULT FAIRY TALE, which by definition means that SEX and BLOODSHED are essential elements in the story — 王詠怡 and this badly beaten up guy had a one-night stand after she finished bandaging his wounds. After that, 王詠怡 continues her journey to toward the capital.
Finally, 王詠怡 reached the capital. She found her uncle and auntie. But they refused to help her! The reason is that they also have a daughter who wants to marry the prince, so they have no extra money to spare to help 王詠怡!
Dejected and helpless, 王詠怡 thought, since I am here already, I have to at least see the prince! She knows that the chance of being picked among all the dressed-up and pretty girls is not high, but, she had already walked 1000 miles — now the issue is no longer about marrying the prince, but about doing the best she could do. The least she can do now, is to have thick skin and attend the ball — even in her current state, which is: hair is disheveled, shoes are worn out, feet is red and swollen, strong body odor since has not taken a bath for days.
On the night of the Royal Ball, thousands of pretty and well-dressed and well-made up girls gathered in the Royal Ballroom. It was so crowded that it’s hard to find a person amidst the crowd. This problem is especially serious for the PRINCE. The reason is that the Prince has swollen eyes and could not see very well. When he entered the ballroom, all the girls screamed and rushed toward him. But all the PRINCE could discern are shadows of people. He could not tell one from another. That is, UNTIL, he saw this ONE girl who is standing apart from everybody else.
This girl, is of course 王詠怡. Because 王詠怡 is so smelly, everybody stayed away from her. The PRINCE could distinguish 王詠怡 immediately from the rest of the girls because (1) 王詠怡 is all by herself in her own island. (2) a strong and strange odor emits from 王詠怡’s presence.
But to the PRINCE, the strong and strange odor feels like COMING HOME. It evokes familiarity. It reminds him of his grandmother’s chocolate chip cookies. He remembers this smell. He remembers that wonderful one-night stand in the middle of the road. 王詠怡 was the girl who saved him!
(backstory: it turned out that the PRINCE had a wicked stepmother, who conspired with a prince in another kingdom to murder this PRINCE. She contracted some hunters to beat him up and leave him on the road for dead. She didn’t expect that 王詠怡 would rescue him)
So the PRINCE immediately proposed to 王詠怡.
But that’s not the end of the story: The prince from the other kingdom who conspired with the wicked stepmother of the PRINCE happened to be in this ball also.
Now we know that, guys are competitive animals — when a girl is fought over, that girl would appear more attractive to other guys. Guys just like to fight with other guys for girls.
So this prince from another kingdom saw that 王詠怡 was being proposed by the PRINCE, so he too suddenly fell in love with 王詠怡. And he also proposed to 王詠怡.
This news was much touted in the tabloid US Weekly: 王詠怡 being proposed by 2 princes!
Suddenly, 王詠怡 seems all the more attractive to all the eligible princes in the world! And all of them travel far and wide to take a look at this “attractive” girl.
In the end, 王詠怡 married all the princes who proposed to her, and became the queen of the world.
The moral of this story? Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you will get. That’s why you should take the first step toward that direction, keep walking and find out.
Filed under: Musings
The thinly disguised main point in the previous post is motivation: specifically, where does it come from?
Now that I am in my 4th year of PhD studies, when asked by friends considering a PhD route, I would emphasize self discipline and concentration, in addition to the usual characteristics of passion for the subject and interest in research. Otherwise, get ready for a hazardous journey.
I used to be a pretty productive person. Friends in college remarked that I could complete many tasks at the same time. An example: senior year in college, I was finishing my thesis in 2 months in additional to finishing a newly added major (in Statistics) within 1 year. Another example: as I work in DC I was taking some difficulty math class and having a full time job at the same time and according to my bosses I work efficiently. But now I no longer can say that I can complete multiple tasks. That sense of accomplishment has long departed and rarely returned.
The main reason? Tasks are getting harder and harder than before. If you put me in a regular job, I believe I will be as productive and efficient as before. But being a grad student……ek…..that’s a different business.
Being a PhD student during the dissertation writing process is like owning your own business. (At least for economics, this is the case…..in science and engineer programs, for example, you work in a “team” so I believe in those fields the problem you work on is more clearly carved out for you…more like a job with a boss; that alone is hard enough) It’s easy to turn that into a in-home business too. You have to pitch your ideas to potential investors (professors on your committee). You will receive harsh questioning. Then you have to make the sale pitch.
But this is not just any business. Research takes a long time and many projects go down in flames on your even after you put in hard hours. Perhaps that’s similar to starting your own business too.
The worst part is that nobody will tell you what to do, and nobody gives you a deadline. You are truly on your own. Sometimes having a boss who assign you projects is actually comforting. You only need to specialize in the task of solving your boss’s task.
So where do you get the energy to wake up in the morning to do it, and not procrastinate, and when the project goes down in flames, to wake up in the next morning and do it all again (I am bad a this part)?
That energy, that fuel is your motivation.
Before I talk about WHERE, let me ask, WHAT is the motivation? A standard robotic answer is: “Because I want to get out of here.” or “Because I want to be a professor at a top 5 school” or “Because I want to receive accolades for my discovery”…….
But what I found, from my own process, is that those external motivations are very weak indeed. They do not withstand trials. I AM CLAIMING THAT CARROTS ARE MISGUIDED.
Outcomes are not GUARANTEED if you work everyday and work more than everybody else. But what you bought with your hard hours is an increase in probability of an outcome. And my claim is that that increase in probability of an outcome is of magnitude epsilon. Trivial even.
Motivations — the kind of motivations that gives you extra energy, the kind that drives you out of bed every morning to work harder than anybody else — come from within.
I still haven’t figured out how those true, come-from-within motivations come about. Does it come from a whim? Does it come from your own values? Does it come from cosmic intervention?
But all I know is this — that feeling of come-from-within motivation feels great!
I could choose to lounge on the boat and enjoy the sun and let the hours pass without making an effort; I could also choose to fish harder than anybody yet still likely not catch as many fish as other better fisherman.
That is the bifurcation in my choice of the life I want to lead. And while on that fishing boat, I chose the later, I am not certain of my choice in real life, because I still haven’t figured out where that come-from-within motivation come from.
At this time the suitable soundtrack to this post is Beatle’s “Long and Winding Road”
